even my car can’t stop mentioning Iceland
Say hello to Plooblewagon, brought home Saturday after many hours of half truths, little white lies and outright, barefaced lies from a salesman who was actually wearing a black cowboy hat. In case you care, it’s a 2003 Mazda Protegé5 “with a 5-speed, natch”. And no, it’s not a station wagon. It’s a lifestyle vehicle.
I love owner’s manuals. They assume you are from Uzbekistan and have never operated anything more complicated than a plow. For instance, there are 33 pages of instructions on how to use the seats.
The manual includes these instructions, in the hundred or so pages they expect you to read before attempting the highly dangerous and slightly suspect activity of driving the car.
Before Starting the Engine: After Getting In
Are all doors closed and locked?
Is the seat adjusted properly?
Are the inside and outside mirrors adjusted?
Is everyone’s seat belt fastened?
Has everyone been to the bathroom?
Are you, like, high?
Can’t you get those goddamn kids to shut up?
I know we live in a litigious society, but I think some of the warnings are a bit extreme.
Your Mazda Protegé5 is intended for outdoor use only.
Driving is an inherently dangerous activity. Doing so can be hazardous and result in accident, injury or death and may void your warranty. Mazda does not recommend driving your Protegé5.
Your Mazda Protegé5 is designed to provide years of trouble-free motoring, but it is not designed to drive underwater, through solid objects or in a zero-gravity environment. The Mazda Protegé5 is not a flotation device.
If you must operate your Mazda Protegé5 in traffic, please ensure at least one occupant of the vehicle is in the driver’s seat at all times.
Do not operate your Mazda Protegé5 while under the influence of alcohol or prescription medications, when drowsy, after strenuous physical activity or while dead. Allow one hour after eating to avoid cramping.
Mazda is confident your driving experience will be enjoyable, however should you experience itching or burning, please discontinue use.
The cruise control feature is intended to maintain a steady speed while driving in light traffic conditions. It is not intended to allow you to move freely about the cabin.
Tobacco products are hazardous to your health. Use of the cigarette lighter may void your warranty. Check applicable laws in your area.
While Mazda’s engineers have employed the latest emissions control technologies to make your new vehicle as environmentally safe as possible, it is not recommended to run a length of flexible tubing from the exhaust pipe into the passenger compartment while the engine is running in a garage or other enclosed space.
Mazda recommends keeping both hands on the wheel while operating your vehicle, so don’t go vogueing like that annoying chick in the Mitsubishi commercial.
“Adda gets a co-writer credit for this post”