is this too much to ask for?
I’m in danger of straying deeper than ever into bad stand-up territory here, but what is it with women and soap? First of all, don’t get me wrong; I love being in women’s bathrooms, whether it’s at a party, or at a friend’s house for dinner, or just dashing in to hide a web cam. Many of my male friends, it has to be said, are musicians, so it’s always a treat to be in a bathroom where I don’t want to wash my face again immediately after drying it on the sole all-purpose towel, and the shower curtain doesn’t try to hold a conversation.
But ladies, where’s the soap? No, the soap. I can’t tell you how often I’ve nearly washed with a candle or a seashell, or how much time I’ve spent with hands in the air like a surgeon, trying to determine which blue glass bottle might contain something vaguely soap-like. I don’t want to tone. I don’t want to exfoliate. I just want to wash my hands after I micturate. And don’t you want me to, too? “When I stayed with Adda, I found this in the bathroom, and I still have no idea what it is. If it had been in the fridge, I probably would have eaten it.” If I do find a bottle that looks like it could have soapish characteristics, it often turns out to be lavender comfrey ylang ylang astringent pore lotion with extract of Tibetan monk. Not only do I not want to waste your expensive product, but I don’t want to come out smelling like Richard Gere’s linen cupboard.
And if there is soap in bar form, it is often made from something unimaginably bizarre, or it looks like a gummi bear, or it has some cute shape that would be ruined after one use, or it looks like it cost eighty bucks a bar and carving it was the life’s work of elderly French nuns. Am I really supposed to wash my hands on the soap model of Notre Dame cathedral, lather until the flying buttresses are gone, then toss it back all wet into the decorative basket?
Maybe I should just take a cue from Ryan, soap-wise. His theory is that all bottled items for use in a bathroom are basically the same, and I can’t argue authoritatively against that. Hand soap, face soap, body wash, shampoo, conditioner: interchangeable according to him. Please keep that in mind if you catch me washing my hands with your toothpaste.