1. Microwave popcorn is never as good as you think it will be.
2. No matter how many times you learn this lesson, you are still capable of deceiving yourself.
3. You will cook it for too long, because you are a greedy bastard and want every last kernel.
4. You will burn it.
5. You will eat it anyway. All of it. Even the burned bits. You will upend the bag over your mouth and get popcorn grit all over your clothes.
6. When you are done, you will feel:
a. kind of sick
b. very thirsty
c. greasy
7. You’ll need to wash your hands like Lady Macbeth to get that “butter” off.
8. You will be forced to endure the smell in your office for the rest of the day.
9. Despite the fact that your co-workers know all of the above to be true, the smell will entice them to make their own, starting a chain reaction that could conceivably go on all afternoon.
10. Microwave popcorn should be prohibited in offices, like smoking. There should be microwave ovens outside the front door for people who are addicted.