Category: neck deep in the zeitgeist

“That joke is totally swiped from Rebecky.”

Say hello to Knightsfollie Ladiesman, known to his bitches as Mr. Jeffries. Mr. Jeffries is the dog with the longest ears in the world, according to Guinness. Coincidentally, he is the grandson of Biggles, the spokesdog for Hush Puppies. His ears are insured for £30,000. “No word if that’s each, or the pair.” In addition to holding the record, poll results released today show Mr. Jeffries has pulled ahead of Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante in the California recall election.

While we’re on the subject of ears, allow me to plug my newest link, www.epitonic.com. In addition to a lot of cool information about bands and music, the site features free mp3 downloads, all with the artists’ permission. And they have extensive “if you like this, you’ll also like this links on each artist’s page, which I totally dig. I visit there a couple of times a month and get enough new songs to make a nice mix disk. Then sometimes I go out and buy one of the bands’ CDs. Hey, the system works!

Knowing as many people as I do who make a living, or attempt to make a living, from music, I never really felt comfortable using the free, unauthorized file-sharing programs. And once I heard the RIAA was targeting people with more than 1,000 shared files “I had 2,400” that added some poignancy to my dilemma. “Nothing like the threat of personal jeopardy to resolve an abstract moral issue.” But I did always maintain one scruple: if I ripped somebody’s album from Grokster and then saw them live, I would buy another CD from them at the show. Hey, I sleep at night.

It should be no secret by now if you’ve looked at the archives that I love absurdity, especially found absurdity. The subtitle of this blog comes from the side of a waxed-paper takeout beer container we handed out in the pub where I worked in London, back when I was young enough for that to be fun. When I left England, I cut the slogan out and brought it back with me. It’s been taped to my computer monitor for as long as I’ve had one. “Keep upright, avoid shaking has always seemed like an admirable goal toward which to strive. Some days it seems more ambitious than others.

Anyway, absurdity-wise, today was a good day.

This afternoon I was behind a pickup truck with a sticker that said, “Windsurfing Has Been Cancelled” Hmm. Enigmatic. I like. I have no idea what that might mean in a, you know, tailgate context. I love it when a bumper sticker puzzles me. My friend Bryon wanted to make one that said, “I’m Thinking About Robots” If anyone had asked him to explain what the hell that was supposed to mean, their guess would have been as good as his, which is what made it so pleasingly bizarre. I much prefer that to seeing a car with the driver’s every opinion chronicled on the back. “Hey, if you want to impose your thoughts on a disinterested world, get a blog.” And dammit, I still take “Kill Your Television personally. You can mess with me. You can mess with my friends. But don’t mess with my TV.

Speaking of TV, Speed Channel has a show at 8:00 featuring “midgets on the asphalt at Indianapolis Raceway Park” I love the Time Warner on-screen guide. In addition to having ridiculous movie synopses, they sometimes truncate the show title to fit the space. One night I had the choice of watching “Mario Eats It or “Solid Gold Jew”

Huh. Something on or around my desk just made a little beeping noise I’ve never heard before. So far the candidates are a switched-off mobile phone, a tape measure and my new laptop. It’s probably the laptop. It loves to confuse me. The motto for the 21st century should be, “Where’s that noise coming from?

After seeing the windsurfer-hating truck, I came home to find an email from Deborah, who signs her name “Joan Cambel” “the Cambels are one of the lesser known Scottish clans, a sept of the McCantspells”. The subject line reads, “I suppose today he fatefully has thorny snags! Gee, Deborah-Joan, I’m not sure who you mean. The only person I know with fatefully thorny snags is Mike Backon. Oh, wait! Look at the text!

Hello Dbt!
I guess you know Mike Backon? I’m sure he alas has solid hitchs! Test this homepage to help him!

Well, if Mike Backon needs my help, I’m there for him. And yes, alas, he does have solid hitchs. In fact, we used to call him Hitch back in school. Not to his face, of course.

Oh, dear. I knew things were tough with Mike, what with the thorny snags and the hitch situation and all, but this is worse than I thought. Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike. Not a porn site, Mike. Couldn’t you have done something decent and honorable, something that would live up to your potential? What about refilling inkjet cartridges, Mike? You always loved doing that!

Man, this has really shaken me up. I hope I don’t run into Mr. and Mrs. Backon tomorrow at the Parents and Friends of People Living with Solid Hitchs picnic. I wonder if they know. Deborah-Joan, if you’re reading this, give me a call. We need to talk.

Okay, anyone who knows me will confirm that I’m a massive dweeb when it comes to gadgetry. I’m also a big fan of Nokia, who provided me with my current mobile phone, which I’m very happy with despite the silly gold faceplate that quickly earned it the nickname the Mr. T Phone. Regardless, I have to draw the line at Nokia’s latest product, the Medallion I. Nokia calls it “a daring choker – designed for dramatic personalities with a hidden side.” Well, maybe there’s a reason to keep that side hidden, dingus.

The idea is that you can upload photos to this device from your mobile phone or your computer, and then wear them around your neck. According to the Nokia site, it has a 15 hour operating time. Which means you have to recharge your necklace every night. No word yet on pricing, but if it’s more than 20 bucks, I swear if I ever see anybody wearing one I’m going to demand that person makes my next mortgage payment.

This has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve seen since a hat in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog with a little LCD screen you could program to display a short line of text. What would you want your hat to say to the world? How about DIPSHIT? I considered getting one and setting it to read HAT.

Those of you with Nokia stock, this might be a good time to reevaluate your portfolio.

I love all the ways spammers use to get around spam filters. “Well, actually, I hate them, but you know what I mean.” I got one yesterday with the subject line, “Mën, Nö Sidë effects” I guess the umlauts have some sneaky effect, but it made me think the email had been written by someone from an ’80s hair band. Maybe Mötley Crüe’s former publicist is working for a spammer now. “Oh, yeah, if you need umlauting, he’s your man. He’s definitely the go-to guy for umlauts”

While I write this entry I am attempting to use EarthLink’s live chat support to ask how to get www.plooble.com “don’t bother going there” to point to this blog. The support page promises you’ll “get an answer in moments” If a moment is, say, ten minutes, then yeah, I got an answer in moments. Three of them. Anyway. My interlocutor appears to be Indian. His name is “AnilG” Kind of sounds like someone L’il Kim might hang around with, doesn’t it? I recognize that I am not fluent in any other language, and I hate to make fun of the way foreigners speak English “well, actually, I love it, but you know what I mean”, but I couldn’t help but laugh when his response to my question came back as “Okay. Kindly be on hold for a moment” And it was one moment. One EarthLink moment, a.k.a. ten minutes.

Chatting with my Anil buddy reminds me of the time I lived in London and got a really nasty reaction to an infected ear piercing, which I won’t describe in detail because what I just said is nasty enough. I went to the hospital and was attended to by an extremely charming and reassuring doctor from Pakistan. When I asked him what I could do to make the skin less rough, he replied, “Once the wound has healed, you may apply some Nivea cream, and your skin will become smooth and supple again” If there is a more elegant way of putting that, I can’t imagine what it would be.

Whoops. AnilG is back. “I see that your domain is not Hosted with the EarthLink” Oh, yes it is, ass-name. Kindly don’t make me come to Bangalore and slap you with a chapatti.

And now he’s gone again. “Kindly be on hold for a moment” It’s not so cute this time. Why do I get the feeling that AnilProbe is sitting somewhere in India surfing the same useless EarthLink support pages I was surfing before I resorted to this particular farcical time sink? And he’s probably on dial-up.

Oh, super. He’s just come back and told me to do something that didn’t work an hour ago. He asked me for my password, and I gave it to him. Why is the phrase “EarthLink will never ask you for your password throbbing in the back of my mind? Oh, no. I see it all now. AnilG has been attacked by thugs who have taken over this chat session. Now they have my password and can get into my domain hosting, my blog, just about anyth

Hello! This are your friend Mr. David of America, and there is nothing strange going on here. Please my Friends, I need the Monies very importantly for the urgent Surgery of the Head. Please fill the large Envelope with American Dollars and send them with all haste to my good Friend Mr. C. Mukherjee, care of General Delivery, Mumbai, India. Thank you very much, and have the Nice Day. When I return from the Head Diseases Hospital I will see you at the restaurant of McDonald’s on Main Street in our Town of America, and we will enjoy the fried Potato while listening to the music of Madonna and Michael Jackson together. Now I must go to my bed as my Head is very, very pain. Please to hurry!

Because we have cooler uniforms. I mean, seriously. The South Korean soldier on the left looks like he was dressed by Gaultier. See that look on his face? He knows he’s a badass. Now check out his North Korean counterpart. He looks like he’s guarding the monkey cages at the Pyongyang Zoo. If they had better uniforms, maybe they wouldn’t have to announce that they’re making more nuclear bombs in order to get some cred. Come on, Designers Without Borders, get to work!

Yeah, he knows.