Category: neck deep in the zeitgeist

I’ve got a fever of 103. Well, I did Sunday night. Twelve hours later my temperature was 96, and I don’t know which is worse. But don’t worry, it’s just bronchitis, and it’ll go away in a few days. How do I know? Because I’ve had it every year for the last ten. And no, I’m not going to the doctor. Why? Because here’s how it goes:

Me: “I have bronchitis. I know there’s nothing you can do to cure it. Give me codeine cough syrup”

Someone in a White Coat Who Isn’t Really a Doctor But Charges Like She Is: “Well, hang on. What are your symptoms?

Me: “The symptoms of someone with bronchitis”

DoctorLite: “Uh huh. And what is your “icky stuff” like?

Me: “Like the “icky stuff” of someone with bronchitis”

DoctorLite: “And are you having trouble breathing?

Me: “Much like someone with bronchitis, I am having trouble breathing”

DoctorLite: “Sounds like you have bronchitis. That’ll be $94”

Without it being officially prescribed, I have gotten plenty of rest in the last 24 hours. Watching TV has been hard, because I’m too brain dead for anything intelligent, and laughing hurts too much to watch anything funny. Luckily “Mr. Deeds was on.

I also learned that all it takes to get a show on cable access TV is a working video camera, and after watching the end of a show about butt implants and the start of a show about Russian mail order brides, I decided the Discovery Health Channel is probably misnamed.

And I’ve learned a new maxim. If it hurts to talk, everyone you know will call you on the phone, and a potential employer will set up a phone interview. If they’re looking for someone with extensive experience in a coughing and wheezing environment, I’m their man.

<a href=”Hastings, however, has never been happier. Hot and sedentary is just the way he likes me.

hot pilgrim’s chick

Friday I had lunch with an old friend and colleague at a restaurant in Lake Boone Shopping Center in Raleigh. Lake Boone is one of those strip malls that isn’t sure if it’s on the way up or on the way down. An argument for the latter would be the presence of the Upscale $1 Store “it’s actual name, right there on the damn sign and everything”. I headed in there the moment lunch was over. Since I didn’t have my camera “and since I’m not sure the clerks would have appreciated me flashing and snickering at their merchandise”, I had to buy all this crap. At least my Christmas shopping is done.

First, some green tea for Mom, because I know how refreshing she finds it after a long bike ride. Then I thought Dad might like a <a href=”nightlight, but now I’m not so sure. My parents are pretty healthy but they are getting older, so maybe waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a glowing Jesus in the room might not be too comforting after all.

I picked up <a href=”something for Britney Spears “if only it were that easy”, and should I find a job in the next few weeks, I have a <a href=”gift for my new boss. “Take a close look at that label. It doesn’t even look like the models were actually wearing the bandanas, and I can’t say that I blame them.”

If only I knew two Rachels who would appreciate <a href=”these, but I’m sure I know several people who could benefit from this Canadian <a href=”dandruff shampoo, complete with disclaimer “”marginally more effective than hot water alone”. I’ll let Rebecky, Myküll and Pinky fight over the <a href=”lunchbox from Mars.

<a href=”This I will certainly have to reserve for a special someone.

Finally, I’ve always wondered where you buy <a href=”these, and now I know. Hmm. Who do I know who would <a href=”wear it?

Yesterday I saw a green pickup truck that looked like it belonged to the North Carolina forest service. It had a bumper sticker that read “Real Trees Make Scents” with a little picture of a pine tree. Is there an aggressive, in-your-face marketing campaign for pine trees? And not to get all Andy Rooney again, but am I paying for it? What is the issue here? Did some bureaucrat in Raleigh decide that our state tree’s Q rating was too low?

“This month’s numbers are in. We’re getting our asses kicked by oaks and maples, and don’t even get me started on the frigging beeches. We’ve got to do something or we’re all going to be begging for jobs with the Cattleman’s Association. With that in mind, I’ve brought somebody new on board. She’s from California, and I’m sure you’re all familiar with the work she did for the redwoods”

When I worked for Big Telecommunications Company Who Sucks and Laid Me Off, I went into the cafeteria one day and saw a poster proclaiming September National Rice Month. This was too much to resist, and inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth letters, I wrote to the USA Rice Federation. “You may remember their breakthrough campaign, “It’s Not Just for Commies Anymore””

Hello!

I just saw a very handsome poster in our company cafeteria advertising “National Rice Month” First of all, congratulations on getting your own month! Well done! I love rice and eat it at almost every meal “even breakfast – I love Rice Krispies!”. What would it take for me to get a copy? “The poster says “September: National Rice Month and has a very nice image of rice waving majestically in the field, or paddy, I guess. [I don’t know as much about rice production as I should!] It would look great in my kitchen! I’d be sure to tell my guests where I got it, and to eat more rice!” If it’s possible to get one “or even two – I have a friend who loves rice almost as much as I do!”, I sure would appreciate it “and I’d eat even more rice!”.

They fell for it. I suppose I should put the poster up. But I’m saddened to report that www.nationalricemonth.com is no longer there: no doubt another tragic casualty of the economic downturn.

Addendum: The “Real Trees Make Scents campaign is apparently the work of AgriBusiness Communications Group, right here in the Greater Chapel Hill-Carrboro metroplex. They’re the folks who also brought us “Catch the Sweet Potato Wave” “Someone needs to tell them that no amount of fancy photography can make a sweet potato look pretty.”

I wonder if they’re hiring.

Many thanks to One Good Thing, who helped me rediscover one of my favorite Internet absurdity time sinks. If you go to Merriam-Webster’s site and look up a word, it will not only give you the definition, it will also give you a little speaker icon which lets you hear the word pronounced. It will say any word. Yes, any word “at least I haven’t stumped it yet”, no matter how silly, prurient or NC-17. With a little work, you can have it say entire sentences. This is very useful for leaving voice mail for someone who needs to be told anonymously that he is an odoriferous Belgian pizzle pirate.

I got a little frustrated though, because I can’t get it to say Plooble, since Plooble isn’t in the dictionary “yet”. I did some poking around on the web, and hoo, boy; if you thought the talking dictionary sounded like fun, wait until you try the AT&T Labs text-to-speech generator. Select the voice of “Charles: UK English and have him say, “Oh dear. I’m afraid I’ve soiled myself”

Hmm? 38. Why do you ask?

Voiceover work isn’t very steady, so me and the gang there have started another little venture. Operators are standing by.

I used to write a lot of poetry in my early 20s, and when I was doing that, phrases seemed to come to me in poetic terms. When I was taking a lot of pictures, I saw things in photographic ways. Now the world appears before me in blog post kernels. I don’t even have to look for random absurdity anymore; it calls me on the phone. Saturday I looked at my caller ID and saw I had received a call from Presbyterian Ho. I can only assume this has something to do with Fistful of Plooble being the number one Google hit for Hot Pilgrim Chicks.

There’s a Presbyterian ho joke somewhere, but I haven’t quite gotten to it yet: maybe something along the lines of “twenty bucks extra with lemon squares” Feel free to help out with this one.