When I was 16 I had one of these, but not one of those

I’ve been reading car magazines almost as long as I’ve been able to read. Those of you who don’t care about cars probably think that car prose consists of nothing but limited slip difs and caster and camber and whatnot. Yeah, there’s a lot of that, but the best automotive journalism can be pretty damn good. For instance, long before I knew him as a Republican Limbaugh-apologist, I eagerly awaited each new article P.J. O’Rourke published in Car & Driver. His piece entitled “High Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks is a classic.

“What happens to an unloaded pickup truck in a curve is that the rear end has nothing to do – is unemployed, metaphorically speaking – so it comes around to ask you for work, up there in the front of the truck where all the weight is. And the result is exactly like one of those revolving restaurants that they have on hotels except it’s on four bald snow tires instead of a hotel, and it’s in the middle of the highway, and it tips over”

Plus, he once wrote a piece about driving in England that taught me the most valuable piece of information one could have when trying to navigate the wrong side of the road. Think of yourself as a well-dressed socialist, he advised, and say to yourself, “Keep left, look right” I’m barely exaggerating when I say P.J. O’Rourke may have saved my life.

My current favorite automotive magazine is Car, published in England. In addition to great photos and great writing and columns by comedian Alexei Sayle, they have capsule reviews and specs of every car for sale in the UK, which I’m sure is incredibly useful for settling pub arguments and planning your next purchase. But some of them are also extremely funny. Here are a few of my favorites:

BMW 7-Series
For: Clever
Against: Too clever by half
Sum up: Cyborg killer limo, feels neither pity nor remorse

Hyundai Tiburon
For: Nice to drive, cheap, great V6 engine
Against: Crappy cabin
Sum up: Greatest Korean car. Ever.

Jeep Grand Cherokee
For: Big, solid, well-equipped
Against: Slightly overspecced for shopping in Twickenham
Sum up: Ironic not iconic

Kia Rio
For: She dances in the sand
Against: Like a river twisting through a dusty land
Sum up: And when she shines…

Land Rover Defender
For: Still unparalleled in the bog
Against: Panel gaps visible from space
Sum up: A true British icon

Peugeot 807
For: It takes the whole family
Against: They won’t want to be seen in it
Sum up: It’s a bus

Seat Arosa
For: Sounds like a sex toy
Against: Vibrates like a sex toy
Sum up: Avoid the 1.0 litre

Volkswagen Beetle
For: It’s a joke
Against: It’s on you
Sum up: Fashion is a fickle thing

photo yoinked from Pete’s Peanut Butter & Jelly Page

Before we go any further with this whole thing, are we all familiar with Peanut Butter Jelly Time?

Let me know when we’re on the same page, Peanut Butter Jelly Time-wise, and we’ll continue.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the car, driving hither and yon to offer my services voluntarily to organizations which I hope will one day be able to pay for them. Whiling away the hours on I-40, I’ve been listening to talk radio “the NPR kind, not the Limbaugh kind”, which I’ve never really done before. At first it made me feel a bit virtuous. “I will gain new insights into important topics” I thought, “and become a better informed American, conversant in the issues of the day” I was disabused of that notion within a few hours.

On Thursday I listened to a show discussing the controversy over prescribing antidepressants to teenagers. One guest was a clinical psychiatrist who led us to believe that merely showing a depressed teen the letters “SSRI on a piece of paper will immediately cause him or her to leap in front of a bus. The other was a psychiatrist and mouthpiece for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill “which depending on who you believe is either a stalking horse for the pharmaceutical industry, or isn’t”. She gave the impression that the only way to prevent America’s teens from topping themselves en masse is to put Prozac in the water supply, like fluoride. So now I know that if I ever have a depressed child, I will… um… give him some candy.

The greatest danger of listening to talk radio is that one day you might be in traffic and not be able to take your hands off the wheel quickly enough to change the station, and you might have to listen to one eighth of a second of “The People’s Pharmacy” I recently heard a promo for an upcoming show in which Joe and Terry will address the question, “What drives teens to have sex?” Be sure to call in with your theories.

I obviously don’t know much about finding a job, but I do know this: when someone calls you on the phone and says in a rapid, practiced monotone that she saw your resume on Monster.com and wants to schedule an interview in a hotel room the next day and seems reluctant to answer any questions or provide additional information, this is probably not Destiny calling. But hey, maybe I should give it a try. Do you feel that you have adequate insurance coverage? Are you sure? Who would provide for your loved ones in the event of some tragic unforeseen circumstance, like, say, me shooting you and taking all your stuff? Let me tell you a little bit about our policy.

I used to search only the “Advertising/Marketing/Public Relations category on the various job boards, but I’ve branched out. “Drilling sounds like fun, but I’m sure you need experience, and putting up shelves probably isn’t what they’re looking for. So far I haven’t had to search in the “Loading/Unloading category, but that day may not be far off. And, amazingly, the opportunities that show up under “Writer usually aren’t very appealing.

So many of the listings are incredibly specific, and I guess that’s not surprising with so many applicants for every job. So I’m not going to bother to apply to the ad that reads “the world leader in clamp-together ducting seeks a Dust Collection Professional” “Although anyone who has been to Plooble HQ knows that I’m a world leader in collecting dust.” And if I don’t know what a “thin client is, I probably shouldn’t apply for the position of Thin Client Product Manager. Besides, most of my clients have been a little on the heavy side.

A lot of the ads try to make the job sound like a party with Outkast on a Gulfstream V headed for the Cannes Film Festival. “”Throw away your suit and tie and come to work in a rock ‘n’ roll atmosphere!” I figure if anybody is trying to convince me I want the job, then I probably don’t want the job. Then there are the ones that seem to be written in an attempt to actively discourage applicants:

This position works with marketing groups to execute on interactive and direct marketing strategies that deliver on the utilization of interactive technology, customer insights and the application and utilization of customer information and behavior.

I’m sorry, what? Who do you want me to execute?

The best item I’ve seen in a job description was probably a placeholder from an earlier draft that never got corrected. Even so, I loved the idea that I would “work closely with Harriet”

yeah, well you try finding a photo for this post

Even before I was “rightsized” I was never a fan of doublespeak. Sure, euphemisms have their place, especially if the intent is to keep from degrading someone. But what about referring to death as “negative patient care outcome or the especially mealy-mouthed and hateful “collateral damage”? “Now that “wardrobe malfunction has entered the lexicon, I look forward to using it the next time someone informs me that my pants are riding dangerously low, as they are wont to do.”

As I’ve mentioned before, airlines are a top source of obfuscation. “I once heard a flight attendant say, “We will now begin serving nutrition” which told me she felt dishonest calling it food.” When I was a lad, we had airsickness bags. Now they are apparently called “motion discomfort bags” and I wouldn’t be surprised if they soon become “wellness restoration receptacles”

I discovered a new one today that is very subtle, and as someone who has occasionally been employed to make bad stuff sound good, I had to admire it. I booked a flight this morning and asked for aisle seats on every leg. I got them on all but one “the longest, naturally” and was informed that I was in the “center seat for that portion of the journey. Ooh! The center! I’m not in the middle, I’m in the center! Everything will revolve around me!

What’s your favorite euphemism?

When people click on the Yahoo slideshow for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl stunt, do you really think this is the photo they’re hoping to see? “Reuters: Kevin Lamarque-Files”

Regardless of how you feel about Janet Jackson’s semi-naked hooter on national television, I know where I draw the line. When you’re having lunch with relatives and somebody says the phrase “Justin Timberlake dry humping Janet Jackson” things have gone too far. “I also believe the term “nipple decoration may have been uttered. The complete phrase, as you all know by now, is “sun-shaped metal nipple decoration””

Buried deep in the Yahoo News story was the sentence, “The show also featured P. Diddy, Nelly and Kid Rock” Who now wish they had stripped naked and dry humped one another.

I do have one comment for FCC Chairman Michael Powell “pictured above”: The halftime show was “classless, crass and deplorable long before Janet’s “wardrobe malfunction”

Of course, the biggest outrage is that the commercials sucked.