Month: February 2004

I obviously don’t know much about finding a job, but I do know this: when someone calls you on the phone and says in a rapid, practiced monotone that she saw your resume on Monster.com and wants to schedule an interview in a hotel room the next day and seems reluctant to answer any questions or provide additional information, this is probably not Destiny calling. But hey, maybe I should give it a try. Do you feel that you have adequate insurance coverage? Are you sure? Who would provide for your loved ones in the event of some tragic unforeseen circumstance, like, say, me shooting you and taking all your stuff? Let me tell you a little bit about our policy.

I used to search only the “Advertising/Marketing/Public Relations category on the various job boards, but I’ve branched out. “Drilling sounds like fun, but I’m sure you need experience, and putting up shelves probably isn’t what they’re looking for. So far I haven’t had to search in the “Loading/Unloading category, but that day may not be far off. And, amazingly, the opportunities that show up under “Writer usually aren’t very appealing.

So many of the listings are incredibly specific, and I guess that’s not surprising with so many applicants for every job. So I’m not going to bother to apply to the ad that reads “the world leader in clamp-together ducting seeks a Dust Collection Professional” “Although anyone who has been to Plooble HQ knows that I’m a world leader in collecting dust.” And if I don’t know what a “thin client is, I probably shouldn’t apply for the position of Thin Client Product Manager. Besides, most of my clients have been a little on the heavy side.

A lot of the ads try to make the job sound like a party with Outkast on a Gulfstream V headed for the Cannes Film Festival. “”Throw away your suit and tie and come to work in a rock ‘n’ roll atmosphere!” I figure if anybody is trying to convince me I want the job, then I probably don’t want the job. Then there are the ones that seem to be written in an attempt to actively discourage applicants:

This position works with marketing groups to execute on interactive and direct marketing strategies that deliver on the utilization of interactive technology, customer insights and the application and utilization of customer information and behavior.

I’m sorry, what? Who do you want me to execute?

The best item I’ve seen in a job description was probably a placeholder from an earlier draft that never got corrected. Even so, I loved the idea that I would “work closely with Harriet”

yeah, well you try finding a photo for this post

Even before I was “rightsized” I was never a fan of doublespeak. Sure, euphemisms have their place, especially if the intent is to keep from degrading someone. But what about referring to death as “negative patient care outcome or the especially mealy-mouthed and hateful “collateral damage”? “Now that “wardrobe malfunction has entered the lexicon, I look forward to using it the next time someone informs me that my pants are riding dangerously low, as they are wont to do.”

As I’ve mentioned before, airlines are a top source of obfuscation. “I once heard a flight attendant say, “We will now begin serving nutrition” which told me she felt dishonest calling it food.” When I was a lad, we had airsickness bags. Now they are apparently called “motion discomfort bags” and I wouldn’t be surprised if they soon become “wellness restoration receptacles”

I discovered a new one today that is very subtle, and as someone who has occasionally been employed to make bad stuff sound good, I had to admire it. I booked a flight this morning and asked for aisle seats on every leg. I got them on all but one “the longest, naturally” and was informed that I was in the “center seat for that portion of the journey. Ooh! The center! I’m not in the middle, I’m in the center! Everything will revolve around me!

What’s your favorite euphemism?

When people click on the Yahoo slideshow for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl stunt, do you really think this is the photo they’re hoping to see? “Reuters: Kevin Lamarque-Files”

Regardless of how you feel about Janet Jackson’s semi-naked hooter on national television, I know where I draw the line. When you’re having lunch with relatives and somebody says the phrase “Justin Timberlake dry humping Janet Jackson” things have gone too far. “I also believe the term “nipple decoration may have been uttered. The complete phrase, as you all know by now, is “sun-shaped metal nipple decoration””

Buried deep in the Yahoo News story was the sentence, “The show also featured P. Diddy, Nelly and Kid Rock” Who now wish they had stripped naked and dry humped one another.

I do have one comment for FCC Chairman Michael Powell “pictured above”: The halftime show was “classless, crass and deplorable long before Janet’s “wardrobe malfunction”

Of course, the biggest outrage is that the commercials sucked.