Everything I Do Is Plooble

There’s a gag I’ve always wanted to try that requires you to be in a group situation where nobody knows you. A party would be ideal. First, attach yourself to a group of people telling jokes. When someone finishes telling a joke, you say, “That reminds me of one.” Then you tell the exact same [...]

One day I’d like to open a store that sells nothing but ottomans. I’d call it The Footstool Empire. Then when people come in and say, "How come you didn’t call it The Ottoman Empire?" I’ll say, "Oh, yeah. That would have been a much better name."

I recently bought a new mobile phone, which will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. (One friend suggested I put that message on a t-shirt.) The new one has a built-in camera, which means that, because I am too lazy to use the good-quality digital camera that I quite often have with [...]

1. Microwave popcorn is never as good as you think it will be. 2. No matter how many times you learn this lesson, you are still capable of deceiving yourself. 3. You will cook it for too long, because you are a greedy bastard and want every last kernel. 4. You will burn it. 5. [...]